Thank You To Whoever Tried To Get Me Kicked Out of Harvard

I am in Week Two of a three-week program for Senior Executives in State and Local Government at the John F. Kennedy School of Government at Harvard University. The experiences both in and out of the classroom have been really amazing, challenging me to examine my strengths and weaknesses as a leader and as a person.

Ironically, the best moment of my experience so far came courtesy of someone who apparently wanted to see me fail.

The morning of the second day, I was pulled aside before classes began by the faculty director. He informed me that someone had sent an email to the entire Harvard program faculty with links to recent articles that did not portray me in a very positive way. The intended goal was fairly obvious- whoever sent the email wanted me to get thrown out of the program.

Filled with dismay that was about to happen, I sat in silence as I was given a choice. I could either go home and deal with my political issues and come back to Harvard in next year’s class, or I could stick it out this year. But the latter option came with an ominous warning- my situation would likely become a topic of discussion in the classroom.

It was never really much of a decision for me. I wanted to attend this program before, but I realized I needed to attend it now. I need to learn what I’m doing right, what I could do better, and what I’m doing wrong to advocate for the issues and communities I care so much about. So I decided to stay, and walked into the classroom feeling confident about my decision.

My confidence was short-lived, as I looked around at my 79 classmates, consisting of legislators, administrators of major cities, police and fire chiefs and military personnel from around the world. Apprehension set in about becoming the center of attention, and not in a good way. My mind ran through more scenarios during that first 90-minute class than I can remember. It was all an anxious blur.

During the break between classes, I splashed some water on my face and tried to calm myself down without much success. My next class began with the professor, a former Massachusetts legislator, leading a very pointed discussion about how realizing our own successes and failures are crucial in exercising leadership. I’m sure it was in my head, but I felt as though he was talking about me; moreover, I thought he was looking straight at me while he spoke. I tried looking around the room to find a friendlier face, and found the pointed stare of the faculty director who had pulled me aside what seemed like a lifetime ago.

The professor began asking for stories to demonstrate success or failure, which was met with little response from a group of eighty students who had only known one another for about one day. At that moment, something came over me. I realized if I let this opportunity pass me by, I would literally regret it for the rest of my life.

So before I had time to stop myself, I raised my hand and said, “I have a story…”

I proceeded to open up in a way I never thought possible to a room of highly respected colleagues I barely knew. I talked about wrong choices I have made, how I allowed myself to be driven to the point of making certain decisions and what motivates me as a public servant. The classroom became both a confessional and a communion simultaneously.

Exactly what I said and the feedback I received will remain private for now, both out of respect to my colleagues and because I need some time to really process and try to understand everything. What was said and how I felt at that moment is important to me, but how I carry myself going forward is what’s most important to everyone in my life. There have been very few truly transformational moments in my life, and this one is near the top of the list.

I don’t know who sent the email to the Harvard program faculty, and I don’t know exactly what it said, except that it was sent under a presumably false identity. But getting out in front of my challenges and confronting them in a positive way was certainly a better choice than sitting in fear of being ostracized while fuming at whoever sent the email to try and get me kicked out.

I wish I knew who decided to try to get me kicked out by sending that email, because I’d like to thank them. If they hadn’t forced me to confront my challenges in an incredibly personal and cathartic way, I may not have been able to summon the courage to do so myself. So whomever you are, thank you for trying to get me kicked out of Harvard. You set in motion a series of events that will hopefully make me a more effective legislator and a better person.